Broken Hearts

“No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good.” - C.S. Lewis

Let me begin by saying here that what I am about to tell you is not something I wanted to write. No, it is something that I would have very much preferred to avoid. I don’t want it out there, I don’t want to talk about it, and clearly it is something I would – given my own way – distance myself from. But I am pressed on by the Lord to share, so I will.

I have a secret, one I deal with privately. Nobody knows about it. Nobody is aware of the amount of prayers God has heard on my behalf to “make it go away”. I am ashamed of it. It is not a consistent daily struggle, but instead one that I sometimes think I have begun to master and then fall victim once again to its whims.

It’s temptation. And it’s sneaky.

I know we all have those thoughts, those desires in our heart that we would rather not have come out into the light. You don’t have to tell anyone about them, but the Lord sees all. He knows. The problem is not so much the desire itself but the steps you will take to make those things a reality. It seems innocent enough at first, right? Here’s an example (and trust me, it is just an example):

Let’s say you’re happily married. You have a great job, a great life, kids and the whole white picket fence thing going on. Now, let’s say you have a pretty great working relationship with your coworkers. So much so that you go out with them frequently enough to happy hours. You consider these people your friends. One of them you are attracted to, and not only that, you can have good conversations with this person. You begin to consider them a close friend. Then, occasionally, you find yourself wondering what it would be like to date this person. At first these thoughts seem harmless (though you probably wouldn’t run to your spouse to tell them all about it) but eventually, they become more frequent than occasional. They become more detailed. You attach feelings to them. And this isn’t even the worst part.

You begin to rationalize them.

Once you do that, your mind will invent scenarios in which you are getting what you want, as well as ways to make it happen. And you all the while will tell yourself that it’s not real, or it’s only a fantasy, who can it hurt? Herein lies the danger. Your heart has just found a way around calling this a temptation, and it has done such a good job of it that it has just about convinced your mind of it.

Where the heart leads, the mind will soon follow.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

This applies to all manner of temptation. And it is important we recognize it for what it is and call it out by its name. We live in a culture that encourages us to “follow our hearts”, and to do what makes you feel good. But if we all run around doing what makes us feel good, it inevitably leads us to do things that make others feel bad.

Now I am not saying that following your heart in certain situations is a bad thing; in some cases it is most definitely warranted. The heart, however, is a uniquely wonderful yet fickle thing. It inspires and drives art, music, literature - as well as compassion, love and mercy. But often we are not very skilled at detecting when the heart becomes deceptive, and trust me, deceive it does.

I have heard many a friend try to rationalize asinine behavior by saying, “But this is just how I feel! I know it in my heart.” Do you, though? Do you really? How many times have we been so convinced of something only to months later have moved right on, never giving whatever issue we had another thought? Plenty. Now think about all the times you felt so strongly, so convicted to act upon whatever desire had taken you over, and what damage it would have done to any other party connected to you who would have been affected by your actions.

It’s simple. We have broken hearts.

They are usable, functional, and quite marvelous organs that our Creator has endowed us with. They are also tainted and fallible. Capable of inflicting love, yes, and incredible pain. But we must not forget that they are still broken. They are not always adept at leading us to the truth, or to happiness. And we rely too much on them to do so.

I am more guilty of this than anyone I know, which is why today I said the most honest prayer I have ever said because I came to realize how much I had been rationalizing my own temptation. When I brought it before God, I made it clear that this wasn’t something I wanted to pray about - because I didn’t want his help. I did, however, need it. In fact, I believe my words were, “I’m sorry, I just wish you would give me what I want here and my heart isn’t in this prayer because I want it so badly. So I need you to seal my heart off from this, and provide me with the strength because I cannot do it.”

And you know what? He granted me that request. He showed me his joy, and my own. He revealed to me that what was waiting for me was far more delightful than any small thing on this Earth could bring. He reached down and pulled me out of the muck and the mire where I sat hating myself, and he provided comfort and reassurance. It is a kind of peace that I cannot even begin to articulate in mere words.

I’m not going to tell you what it is I have been dealing with. I know some of you were reading this hoping I would. I also know some of you will text me or prod me after to find out what it is, but I won’t be revealing that. This is going to stay between myself and Christ, where it belongs. What I will say is there is nothing too big for him to take on. No amount of darkness that clouds your heart and your mind can withstand his love and grace. You need only ask for the mending of what you know to be broken.

God Bless.