Solace
“Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.” – CS Lewis
A few days ago as I was driving after work, my thoughts drifted from the day I’d had to what I would be doing with my evening. When I thought about going home, however, a familiar fear began to creep up on me because I realized my home was not somewhere I wanted to be.
Instantly, anxiety began to fill my head as the impending sense of dread increased. I wondered to myself if it was happening again, this feeling that I knew so well. This feeling that I knew had come to pay me a visit for however long it chose. As I drove on, my heart sank and I knew it was indeed happening again.
It was depression, and it is an old friend of mine.
In retrospect, I should have seen this coming. I know the signs – and I had been living them for a few days already. I had lost the motivation to work out, couldn’t seem to sleep enough, was tired all the time, and didn’t feel up to socialization of any kind. When I say I didn’t want to go home that night, it is not because I don’t like where I live or because I wanted to be alone. It is not because I am bored, or even lonely. No, it is none of those things. The easiest way I can describe this is that I just didn’t want to return to living my life. And what was awaiting me there was my life. My refuge where I reveled in curling up with a cup of tea and a good book had started to represent something else.
Depression and all that in entails has a stigma attached to it. I’ve often heard several people remark that no true Christian, nobody who is really following Christ with their heart, can become depressed. They say depression is a spiritual issue, so someone who is filled with the spirit cannot possibly fall victim to it. While I agree that it is a spiritual issue, I disagree that it cannot befall any Christian out there. In many cases I believe Christians are actually more susceptible to this tragedy for several reasons, though you generally won’t have someone who is suffering from it come out and communicate their plight openly. And when you inquire of them why they are depressed you will likely hear them say, “I don’t know. I just am.”
They aren’t lying to you. Sometimes they can’t pinpoint what it is, other times there are so many things it could be that occupy their hearts that is impossible to single out one true cause of it. What they do know is that when they got in the shower this morning, they didn’t want to get out. Despair had overtaken them and they cried. It’s unlikely they will be able to tell you that they aren’t feeling close to their Creator, or that something is missing. They know something is missing, but do not know what it is.
To suffer in such a way as this can be crippling. Even more so when you are not just feeling it, but waking every day knowing you will be feeling it, thinking of it, living with it. Attempting to function like a normal human being becomes extremely difficult, even for those of us who have become sufficiently skilled in doing so. By the day’s end you feel something similar to relief when you are allowed to be alone just so you can drop the mask, but even then it is only temporary, for being alone with your thoughts is no better. And then you wonder, you ask God why. Most often your silent cries into the dark abyss ask to know where he is while you crumble. During these times it can be difficult, if not impossible, to pray.
My relationship with depression has led me to many different methods and endless medications for relief, but I never found the reprieve that I find within my faith. I have seen and felt God move on my behalf when I had no strength to do so. When prayer was too exhausting, and all I could do was mutter between sobs to “please help me” into a tear stained pillow, the God that knows what help I need answered. Elaboration of the problem from me to him was not required. In the quiet and lonely moments, he remained there with me as a still and compassionate friend, by my side as we waited this out together. On many occasions, before I could even feel how affected I was going to be, I know he had pressed up on the heart of a few friends of mine to pray for me. They would reach out to let me know that they had done so. They never knew why, only that suddenly they had received a very strong inclination to pray specifically for me to have strength. After this the heaviness that had drawn upon me was lifted and with the arrival of the morning I would awake to a new day. Sun shining, birds chirping, and promise in the air of something greater ahead.
I cannot deny that I sometimes long for the days between now and the afterlife to become shortened; I still do. But I believe that comes naturally with always having had one foot in and one foot out of this world, and my solace is found in a Creator who is actively present in my life. As it is said in Lamentations, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness." (Lam 3:22-23)
I by no means make light of this issue as simply being a spiritual one with no other assistance than prayer required. Depression comes in all forms, for all reasons, and it does not discriminate. What works for one individual does not necessarily work for another. I would encourage anyone who is struggling to first and foremost seek help and support from those they feel most comforted by. The power of human connection which the Lord has granted cannot be underestimated.
Peace be with you.