Everest

“Fear is a self imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends for you to be. You must move against it with the weapons of faith and love.” - Rick Warren

I can vividly recall a day not too long ago where the course of my life began to change. I remember it well because I was terrified. I think about it often now because of how it shaped me, and because I know it won’t be the last time God invites me into facing my fear.

I sat in parked in my car in the woods of Pennsylvania. The engine still hummed because I was fully prepared to reverse and make my escape. I clutched the steering wheel, little beads of sweat making their way down the back of my neck, and I panicked.

I had just made the three hour drive from Virginia to a string of cabins for a weekend in the forest. I had been invited by my childhood friend, Lindsy, to participate in a Christian women’s retreat, and against my usual judgment I had agreed. Normally the idea of meeting a bunch of people I didn’t know and spending an entire weekend with them would horrify me to my core, but I found safety in the fact that Lindsy would be there as my crutch, and that we would even get to bond over our faith. Unfortunately, Lindsy ended up having a last minute emergency and couldn’t attend. I found this out a week before the retreat, but it didn’t sink in. Now, here I sat, chastising myself for ever having been so stupid.

You are an idiot. All of these girls are showing up with other girls that they know, and you don’t know anyone. What are you going to do? Just walk in there and stand alone? That won’t do. Everyone will know you are alone. You should just turn around and drive back home, it really isn’t that long of a drive anyway. Nobody will even notice you aren’t there.

But the truth was, three hours was a long way to go just to be a coward and turn around. And I had put the $500 cost for this retreat on my almost maxed out credit card, knowing at the time that this was what God was pressing on my heart to do. The rational part of my brain knew this, but the fear was screaming.

I sent texts to all of my friends, including Lindsy.

I can’t do this! I don’t know anyone and I am freaking out!

All of them responded, Yes you can! Get in there! They are going to love you!

And then Lindsy, That is the enemy talking, Jessica. Get in there.

You are probably reading this thinking none of this is really a big deal, but I assure you, this is a mountain for me. These situations, the ones that require stepping out into unknown territory with nothing but strangers, are my Everest. They are that huge, looming obstacle that my brain has become sufficiently skilled at making excuses to avoid. At that, I’m a pro. So I did the only thing I knew I could - I prayed. I prayed for God to send someone to my car, knock on the window, and be my friend. I know, ridiculous, right? God didn’t do that exactly because he expected me to do some actual work. Instead, he told me to watch the parking lot. So I did.

Soon, I saw a blonde girl getting out of her car. She was alone. And when she started heading in my direction, God very clearly told me to get out of the car and introduce myself. I balked.

But I don’t want to do that, I said.

Go introduce yourself, he repeated. I got the distinct impression I wasn’t going to get any other chances, so I did what he said.

Her name was Kasey, and it turned out she was also there alone (and a bit nervous about it, like myself). We walked up together and went in, looking for our name tags and cabin assignments and chatting. The next part is why I don’t believe in coincidences, and know that God was definitely at work here in the small details.

Kasey was assigned the same cabin as me for the weekend. Not only that, we had chosen almost all of the same break out classes for the entire time we were there. How do you explain that? We both went, “Oh funny! What a coincidence!” but on the inside I was rejoicing at how good the Lord was. And in order for any of this to have happened, I had to take that step and get out of my car. Because I did I ended up meeting some truly incredible ladies and forging friendships that I am still so grateful for. Who knew?

I’d like to say I was magically cured of my anxiety issues that day and the paralysis in which I am so often a victim of because of it, but I still deal with these issues. And God still convicts me regarding them. He’ll allow me to float for several months as he bides his time, but I always know that the moment is coming where the pressure on my heart to act will present itself. I don’t know if any of you have seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, but the conversation I have with myself about doing what God wants usually goes something like this:

I have, with God’s help, gotten better at recognizing when fear is driving all of my decisions. Just the other day I was registering for another retreat that I am attending with Darbi in June when I came to the portion of registration that asked you to choose which classes you wanted to attend. Again, panic set in. What did Darbi register for?! I thought, and sent her a frantic text. I waited for awhile, but there was no answer. And that’s when I knew that God didn’t want me to wait to see what she was doing, but instead wanted me to ask him what he wanted and allow him to lead me. Finally, I did. I took another small step and chose my classes.

I heard back from Darbi hours later, apologizing profusely for not responding sooner because she had taken her kids up to the mountain to play in the snow (Heaven forbid! How dare she!) You know what? We didn’t choose any of the same classes. And that’s okay, because I know and trust in how good the Lord above is. He is the only crutch I need.

As I have started to slowly let go of my fear I find that I am able to hear God more clearly. I pray, and he answers. He just answered me so directly in a sermon last Sunday I almost fell out of my seat. It was like a giant, neon sign saying, “Hey Jessica, this is my response to what you just prayed about. Remember? You wanted the first step in fulfilling your purpose. Here it is.”

I’m not proud to admit my first thought was, Are you sure, though, because, uh, you know I don’t like doing that kind of thing...

But then I caught myself.

I want to help people, I want to step out and make a difference. I want to meet others in their suffering and provide them with comfort. I am passionate, motivated and driven by the pain I see in the world because I know what the remedy is. It will not do to sit here claiming I want to help but then being too fearful to do so. Either I win, or they do. But both cannot. And I will never be truly fulfilled as the Lord intends if I am not taking that first step into doing what he has created me to do.

If used correctly, fear can be the catalyst in our refinement. But like everything else it comes down to one thing: choice. Who are you going to choose to be today?

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” - 2 Timothy 1:7

Special thanks to:

The friends who talked me down - Lindsy, Darbi, Lisa and Sandy

Also: Kasey Johnson, Beatrice Galloway and Dianne Jago

The girls of Cabin 6